We here at the Modern Thirst compound like to think we provide a valuable service to our loyal readers. We provide a little knowledge, and some insight into our own drinking experiences. We’re approaching the Valentine’s Day holiday, and we know some of our readers will receive gifts of our favorite spirit, bourbon, from their significant others this year. Did you know that what type of bourbon you receive says a lot about what’s going on in your significant other’s head? Here’s a handy-dandy guide to deciphering your Valentine’s Day gift, complete with translation of the card:
Wild Turkey – 80 Proof
What the card says:
“Honey, please accept this small gift as a token of my undying love for you on this Valentine’s Day.”
What it means:
“I was going to get you something nice, but I knew you’d be getting plastered in your man cave on Valentine’s Day anyway. At least with this, it won’t be a $290 bottle you blew your entire unemployment check on last week.”
Jim Beam White Label
What the Card Says:
“When you are in love, you can’t fall asleep, because reality is better than dreams.”
What it means:
“The reality of having you and your drunken friends working on your motorcycle in the living room until the wee hours of the night- every night- is driving me insane. I haven’t slept in weeks. Also, I sold your motorcycle on Craigslist this morning for the cost of this plastic bottle of Beam. Enjoy.”
Woodford Reserve
What the card says:
“I promise to be by your side forever and always. I love you, and nothing can tear us apart.”
What she means:
“I know you like bourbon, but I’m too busy with my yoga classes and bake sales to ever ask what kind you like, or to remember when you tell me anyway. I’ve heard of Woodford, so that’s what I got you. Now stop bothering me, Desperate Housewives reruns are on.”
Pappy Van Winkle Family Reserve 20 Year
What the card says:
“To the world, you may be one person, but to me, you’re the whole world.”
What she means:
“I would literally run through a brick wall for you if you would only notice me. That’s why I save your laundry lint and toenail clippings. I know you saw me last week waiting outside your office… and at the coffee shop you stop at every morning…and sitting in my corolla in front of your house with a camera and binoculars. I just wish you’d notice me. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to stalk you…err…try to get your attention…but if waiting in line for 13 hours for a chance to buy this bottle at 3000% markup doesn’t do it, well, I’ll probably just have to go bigger next year. No restraining order can contain me. Kisses!”
George T. Stagg
What the Card Says:
“When we fell in love, I gave you my heart. You have given me a wonderful home, beautiful children, and a lifetime of love. Love always.”
What she means:
“Happy valentine’s Day to a great husband. I won’t begin to tell you the effort I went through to locate this bottle, but after 22 years, the kids are finally out of the house and I thought maybe it was time you got something besides a tie for Valentine’s Day…especially after that diamond necklace you dropped on me for Christmas after I only bought you a pack of underwear and a pair of slippers.”
Willett Family Estate 14 Year Rye
What the card says:
“A Hundred Hearts couldn’t hold the love I have for you.”
What she means:
“I saw you looking at this at the Willett Distillery Gift Shop after our tour last summer. Remember when I ran back into the building on the way to the car because of that ‘stomach bug?’ Yeah, I bought this then. Yeah, I know it cost $450. No, I don’t know how many bottles of Old Weller Antique that would buy. What’s Old Weller Antique?”
Woodford Reserve Master’s Collection Sonoma-Coutrer Finish
What the card says:
“Thanks for being such a sweetheart on this Valentine’s Day!”
What she means:
“I know literally N-O-T-H-I-N-G about bourbon, but the guy at the liquor store told me this is the best ever. Oh yeah, he works on commission, so he must be good at what he does.”
Parker’s Heritage Collection 7th Edition, A Promise of Hope
What the card says:
“I love you forever and always. You are my heart, my soul, my true love.”
What she means:
“I know bourbon better than you do. Seriously. If you take ONE SIP of this without sharing with me, I’ll break your kneecaps. Don’t ____ with me on this. I love you, but I will break kneecaps over this.”
Old Fitzgerald, 1984 Stitzel-Weller Bottling
What the card says:
“I love how we always treat each other with respect. We care of each other, love each other, and forgive each other when we mess up. You are my light, my moon, my stars. Love always.”
What she means:
“I cheated on you. Often. With your brother. But I sold my Audi to buy this from Christie’s Auction House, so I’m hoping that helps you take this admission a bit better. Oh yeah, I’m pregnant. Remember where the card says ‘forgive each other?’”
